Saturday, December 18, 2010

Online Dating Adventures: Volume I

A wonderful peek into to the world of Online Dating! Here is a sample of my own personal adventures!

Girl123's Profile (or a version adjusted slightly for privacy):

"Right now I'm reading (book) by  (author). It's pretty sweet. (...) I love watching movies! I love Twilight! Haha just kidding, I'm not one of THOSE girls!"

And the email conversation that followed...

ME: "So, what kind of movies do you like to watch then?"

Girl123: "The kind that makes you wish you had AIDS."

ME: "So, you DO like Twilight then?"

Girl123: [no reponse]

Welcome to the bottom of the barrell folks... more to come.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


Long over caffeinated nights again too tired to go and too awake for sleep. Just laying with the warm summer breeze falling on me on this hot summer night turning in and out of elegies and dreams riding shotgun with Kafka through my beloved desert with no headlights and awaiting the/my next turn; flying in limbo needing an inward “pirate vision quest with a fancy hat” and doing tedious things only unaccomplished can claim victory for yet still be on a rise for something better.

Looking too far off stars thinking it’s too high then without attention it is something past and there is more above. The questions are: Where will they take me? Are they what I want? What will I do instead? Is this the path that I have chosen/desired or simply fallen into? Are any of those stars worth it at all?

*Suppose you are at a bar, and you run into someone you have not seen in 7 or 8 years. You sit next to her and her boyfriend, and the boyfriend tells a tale only booze would free from his memory.

In a cab in Tijuana after buying drugs, the cab gets pulled over. To avoid the discovery of some narcotics, he kicks them under the seat in front of him, in case he is searched. When he pays the cab driver, and gets on his way, he realizes that the intoxicants are still under the seat of the cab. So begins a new quest for drugs.

Starting off in a “not too good” area of town, he encounters a man who is willing to sell what he claims are drugs. He holds out his hand, and resting in them is simple allergy medication. I’m not buying that, he tells them. Then the man opens his shirt to reveal a gun, and says:

“You will buy this, or I will shoot”.

Tough shit he tells him, and runs off, trying to find a place to hide. The closest and safest place to hide is a strip club, and he enters, slowly toward the back, looking over his shoulder. Reaching the kitchen, one of the strippers gets upset, raises her voice and all hell, and the police are called.

Outside the strip club where the police arrive, they begin to question him. In Spanish.

He does not speak Spanish.

Trying to find an interpreter, the police come across someone. Someone fluent in English. Someone able to translate. Someone who has a gun, threatened to shoot him and sell him fake drugs.

Unknowing of what the man with the fake drugs was telling the police, thinking he was going to spent the night in jail, and the police finally loaded him in the car.

When the car stopped, it was about 500 yards from the U.S. border. They were let out of the back of the car, and the police drove off, back to Tijuana.

When they reached the border, they explained to the agent what had happened, and his response: “Yeah, it happens all the time.”

There is one thing to be learned from that tale, and that is there are too many adventures lurking in the woodwork. Some big, some small, one needs to be open to all and embrace life for the experiences. Something one needs, and can only realize the ones wanted after a “pirate vision quest with a fancy hat”. Not necessarily needing something exactly of the like, but you that you are living.

Friday, June 18, 2010


Summer days riding shotgun with Nietzsche raining occasionally and cracking thunder – aka a cold as hell week for June and my Life’s Goals seem now a grocery list and I don’t give a fuck where the store is.

Wanting instead something carefree and new, something without limits and without conscience like my beloved desert. Something that has a meaning that is not tangible and at the same time will give purpose, meaning and guidance without handing over anything. What anyone wants, where we look in books and parties and travel and running mad through a forest fa├žade trees.

Where the hell and when anyone will encounter meaning is probably the greatest blessing I can count – because with no journey the ends are meaningless…

*Suppose you pull into a 7-11 to get something to drink. On the way out after you make your purchase, you get to the car you parked next to the 4 foot stone wall that separates the 7-11 parking lot from the next door business. Blowing in the papers and leaves on the other side is a 5 dollar bill. What would you do?

What I did: Sat the Gatorade on the hood of the car, and placed my right palm on the wall. I gauged the height (poorly) and swung my leg to hop the wall for the 5 dollar bill. There was the uncomfortable thud of my boot not clearing the wall while I was mid air, my hand coming loose, and all limbs flying for something more stable – and in my intoxicated gymnast move over the wall, my only thought was “Shit, this is going to be on YouTube…” After I made quite the entrance to the neighboring business parking lot, I claimed my monetary prize, and scaled the wall once again (this time with more grace). I tried not to look to see who was there, and quickly sped off in my car.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Here we go. Another blog, hoping I can keep up. To be quite honest, I got tired of the last one, and wanted a little something more to sink my teeth into. A bit of a fresh start if you will…

So come one, come all to view the latest venture of (off)culture (un)Americana free association and labored interpretations of sights/people/places and an off colored humor masterfully engineered by a boy who just needs to vent and sleep.